My Truth

Yo

2006-11-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

So once again I return to the world of writing. Every day I think, "What works for me?" I tell myself that writing and meditating help a lot. I still don't do them. It makes me angry. Much more angry than if I were to suck up and do it. Just fucking do it. Doesn't change anything.

Every day I tell myself the same thing. Its going to be different soon. Somehow things will change and I will fix it all.

Doesn't make it happen.

Ha!

2006-08-19T09:23:00.000-06:00

[url]http://www.aircockthrust.com[/url]

Long Time

2006-07-17T09:48:00.000-06:00

So a little time has passed and I figured I would update the planet on my current events.

Im skipping class this morning. My reasons include not feeling like it, enjoying my morning too much and wanting to eat more cereal.

Something else to note. I am getting a dog. How strange. Not only have I never had a dog, I have never named, housetrained, groomed or cared for one. What? I have to make an appointment with a Vet? huh?

There are many emotions/thoughts surrounding this new venture into parenthood. I should mention everytime I told people I was becoming a father, they took me way too seriously. What the hell. Anyway, for reals, I am going to be a Dad. Kindof. Im scared that I won't do a good job. I am worried about the restraints of doggydom on my social life.

More than anything I am glad to have someone keeping me company in my apartment. Living alone is not the easiest thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I just wish there was someone to keep me company. Soon enough...

What else, what else. Hmm I can't think on much right now. I need to write in my real journal. It only has like 5 pages left in it...

Until next time.

Hahahahahahahaha

2006-07-06T18:39:00.000-06:00

I really hope I will never, ever need one of these...

http://www.viagraring.com/">The Viagra Ring

w0w

2006-07-04T22:56:00.000-06:00

This looks fucking hilarious... somewhat immature, erotic and invasive. Probably won't do too well in the states. My guess is that American parents will shut it down or something like that.

Naughty America

Best 4th of July Evar

2006-07-01T15:42:00.000-06:00

Watching the World Cup

2006-07-01T10:57:00.000-06:00

I feel happy. I feel dedicated. To soccer, to class, to exercise, to family, to myself. I am encouraged.

More recently I feel less idealistic. Not as rigid about truth, addiction, relationships. Makes me feel somewhat guilty. I remember what it was like when I started this blog. It was a different time for me.

I feel lazy sitting here in front of the TV. I just ate some nachos :) I tell myself that after this game ends I am going to the gym. I don't doubt it.

I feel annoyed at my mother. She is ordering me around and trying to set my own schedule. Maybe shes not used to letting that go. Whatever the case, I don't want to have to make a huge point about it. I'm only visiting for a few days...

I feel cautious about my schoolwork. Even though I tried to figure out my lab earlier, I'm not sure when I will do it. I always tell myself to just fucking do it. Quit procrastinating and go balls out. This behavior is something I am working on.

I feel overly pensive... Nothing new.

I feel excited. I feel hungry - in several ways. I feel angry, collected, sad, uplifted, in control, totally powerless, confused, serene and, obviously, contradictory and hypocritical.

Sigh.

Being Nerdy...

2006-06-30T17:05:00.000-06:00

LOL... I may be a total nerd but that is the best modification to a computer I have seen in a long, long time.

If you don't get it, you might want to click here.

Faith in Humanity?

2006-06-29T19:28:00.000-06:00

Im not sure when practicality has gone too far... should I be sick or applauding?

http://www.everybodycoffins.com/

Raspberries and Cream

2006-06-28T19:49:00.000-06:00

Its kindof hard to go wrong with raspberry and cream gelato. One of those things in life. I dunno.

So today was interesting. I had a good talk with my psych. We discussed chemicals and school for the most part. After I brought up the issue of alcohol, I began to empty my head. So many emotions, rationalizations and mistrust. One of the things I have learned in the past year is that chemicals really affect your ability to make decisions. Those little synapses are very powerful subconscious elements.

How often have you heard about someone that wants to quit smoking or drinking but they can't bring themselves to do it. The chemicals basically use their brains against them. This may be a scary way to look at things but I know for myself that drugs have a much greater effect on the way we think than we acknowledge.

So back to the point - I had a really difficult time saying that I was unable to drink responsibly or without addictive behavior. Most of this is that I don't know enough. I am trying to make a decision on little information. The past six weeks have been seen the only alcohol consumption for all last year. God knows I haven't smoked pot in almost two years. Yikes.

I couldn't say that I was an alcoholic or that I would become one. I don't know. What I do know is that drinking is causing me some confusion and annoyance. I also know that it has helped my social life immensely. Snarl. While I can't say that addiction is a good reason to quit drinking, I will say that dropping it will free some mental energy to focus on school. I am also trying to lose some pounds around the waist :) So that can't hurt either.

We also talked about school. I am in my second week of school in a long time. If you don't know, I have taken the year off from college. Now I am starting summer classes in the hope they will ease me back into full swing this fall. I still think its a good idea. So yea - I don't want to make any grand statements about my determination or my dedication to academics so I will save it for another post. Its only been a few days back on the horse.

One last thing... I am going to see my friend Jenny this weekend before she takes on a challenging job that involves a lot of traveling. She will be a very busy girl very soon. We both know we won't get to see a lot of each other but I am really happy she is taking on a project. Good luck, god speed and watch the pills...

So Many Emotions

2006-06-14T08:53:00.000-06:00

I find myself at a point where I have so many things pulling in different directions. Most of them concern last night; there are more still from my continuing life struggles.

So what exactly happened? Well the short of it is that I hooked up with an old friend from college. I would imagine that most people would ask, "Why is that so strange? Most people go through very similar events with little thought..."

She just called me on the phone asking if she needed to take Plan B. Hahahaha. In some sense, I wish she did. But alas, I didn't finish. This is part of the night that makes me upset. Am I still able to have sex for fun? Looking at history, I have had a crush on this girl for many years. I'm sure there have been times when I would have jumped on the opportunity to hook up with her, no question. It was one of those hookups that I really wanted to happen in my lifetime. And it did. And it was fine. And I have no regrets.

But.

Are my heart and my biology heading in different directions? This question has been on my mind for a few weeks now. Ever since I had a hookup with another highschool friend. Yeayeayea, I know you are jumping to call me a manwhore but this kind of activity is quite unusual for me. Do you see many sexual posts before this one? Had I been able to get off last night, I probably wouldn't be questioning myself as much. The answer would be an easy "yes." The important thing in my mind about both of these hookups is the following: the girl that I had great sex with is someone that I respected and admire; the girl last night, who I did not have great sex with, is someone that I don't know well enough.

What else do I have to spill... Oh, yes. Another important trend - drinking. As you probably know by now, I am continually reviewing the possibility that I am an addict. Caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, diazepines, amphetamines... I have tried all of them and I have adored them all at one point or another.

The only chemicals I have used in the past year have been caffeine, nicotine and alcohol. None of them have caused me great problems but I have to catch these things in advance. My introspection, as a friend recently put it, will be my saving grace. I cannot deny my guilt from drinking alcohol. Even though I can't exactly pinpoint the reason, something just doesn't sit right. Grrrr. Time and time again I remember telling others that they should follow their little voice. The tiny one that tells them to quit smoking or be nice to their neighbor or get their paper done today. The same one that you rationalize the shit out of and push down, down, down. Right now I need to listen to my own advice and stop.

Immeditately after I wrote the word "stop", I began telling myself how rediculous that would be. This is such a fucking struggle. Again I want to write about the benefits of drinking and the things it has done for my lifestyle... maybe I can moderate? That is the first thing an addict says when they realize they have a problem. God fucking dammit. I am so torn between this ingrained rhetoric behind addiction and the subtle reality that is my experience. Its so damn confusing.

I can't finish this entry and promise my sobriety. What I can promise is my continuing fight for serenity between body, mind and environment. Lets see how it goes. Thanks for reading :)

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T16:56:00.000-06:00

Yes, yes - its that time of year again. When you have to do something for a family member so you won't be subtley punished for the rest of your life. Just like showing up for thanksgiving and attending your sister's graduation, mother's day holds the same emotional charge.

Some people would call me nice for coming with my mother on a trip to New Mexico this weekend. Others would say it was necessary. You know, I have the free time and she invited me... so why not? Well once I got to the airport I realized the answer to that very question. Because my mother is a delusional worrywart who can't keep herself grounded in reality. Hey, not a bad description. When writing in my journal yesterday, I used the words "wrapped in a straightjacket of anxiety." I think both phrases do her justice.

Instead of complaining about the terrible time I had, which it wasn't, and the resentment I have for coming in the firstplace, not true, I will talk about how it was a learning experience. Most times people see their situations as linear; few variables, little room for adjustment and inherently trapping. I am trying to approach this trip from a different angle. Anything that changes me for the better was a good experience. Lets try and find some truth in all this :)

Lets start with something minute. Normally my mother will act like an asshole to people that serve her. Generally not receptionists at places she visits regularly or assistants she speaks with on the phone - but random workers. Taxi cab drivers, porters, reservation takers, waiters, etc. I have never understood it. She will be snotty and somewhat rude.

I have to get on the plane. More later.

Galactic Arachnids w/ Killer Venom Attachments

2006-05-04T23:58:00.000-06:00

No, Im not going crazy, I just felt like quoting a Dieselboy song...

Anyway. I am kindof getting sick of my 'friends.' This group of guys that I hang out with has been rubbing me the wrong way for some time now. Its just like smoking pot - can I keep doing it and still live a respectable life? Yea, probably. Do I question why I do it every day? Yes.

You see, these are not the kind of people I imagened myself hanging out with. Well, that may be a stretch... Lets say that these guys are not the people I really want to consider my life-long friends. They aren't very inspirational. They don't really interest me or challenge me postitively. A lot of the time they are negative and squabble over pointless shit.

One of them even tempts me to use all the time. What the fuck is that? Makes me so mad. His defence is that its ultimately my choice and my willpower that decides. While that may be true, sticking a joint in front of my face doesn't make it any easier. Chemicals influence people in ways that they cannot control. Someone trying to quit smoking may know that cigarettes are going to kill them, yet they still smoke day after day yearning to quit.

This is but an example of why these guys cannot be the end-all-be-all. I talked with my cousin today about weeded out the potential friends from the real ones. We spoke of college and high school, locations and distances, family and friendships. She made me realize that finding the 'few' in your life, as opposed to the 'many', is a difficult task. It requires a lot of effort.

The only thing I can really do for now is ride the wave. Let things flow. When I meet someone I really like, we click and things happen. Its only a matter of time. I just need to be active in getting out there. Hermits don't meet anyone for a reason :)

I'm gonna go to bed. Read a little maybe. I'll talk to you all tomorrow...

Restless

2006-04-30T19:02:00.000-06:00

I feel somewhat guilty for the past few weeks in my life. This feeling is one that I have tried to avoid for a long, long time. It is the same emotion that causes me to run away and hise from my responsibilities, relationships and myself.

I have not committed unforgivable acts. I have not completely disregarded my morals. Yet, both of these possibilities come into question.

Well, get to it already... what have you done now? The main reason I am uneasy is that I have become repetetive in breaking my sobriety. This has been demonstrated in many forms. I have quit tobacco several times. I have started again several times. I have recently started drinking again. Not to extreme limits by any means; in moderation. I am slowly pushing the limits on using pot again.

The friends that I have told these facts to have all responded in the same way. "Well, lets look at these things individually..." Thats a very convenient approach but i'm afraid it won't do. All of these chemical choices are related. "What can I get away with?"

I am scared. I am restless. I am unsure.

More than anything I want to tell the world that I will be more safe. That I will stop jeopardizing my health with chemicals. By now I think we all know its harder than just typing it up in a blog :) I have to ask, do I really need to quit? Do I really need to be sober? Do I really need to use at all? I guess the answer is 'No' to all those questions.

THATS WHY ITS SO FUCKING CONFUSING. You just don't know - ever. This is a time when I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I hate trying to reckon with myself - because its never just that. I am trying to convince myself and the chemicals that its OK. I am fine. Everything will work out. You worry too much you know that?

Grrrrr. Maybe I will make it easy and say 'No'.

Monday @ Stellas

2006-04-10T10:40:00.000-06:00

Just like I pictured it. Waking up and walking across the street to the coffee shop. Bringing my laptop and some reading material. Drinking a latte and eating a raspberry muffin :) Such easy bliss...

What to write, what to write. I have been thinking about a friend of mine recently. Someone that is near and dear. We don't have frequent conversations anymore, much less any. I think of all the times i had conversations that were moving. Ones that actually changed your perspective. Redefined some aspect of your personal life. Resulted in motivation, inspiration and action. Those were times in my life that I lust for. It is not as simple as saying "I wish that would happen again." With all my being I yearn for a conversation, a moment of intimacy that challenges me to exist. I know what it feels like to be understood; to have someone finish your sentence that even you could not. I have been there and I yearn to return.

Telling myself that separation and lonliness are my cross to bear does not help. "This is the way you choose to be." Doesn't make it any different.

Breath of Fresh Air

2006-04-04T18:13:00.000-06:00

Every so often I drive out to a small town here in Colorado and take a breather. Sometimes I come for family events and celebrations. These events have defined my presence here for as long as I can remember. Christmas with family and friends, weddings, funerals, summer camp... But now I am reclaiming this house as my own. Slowly, with each time I drive out here, this place is given new meaning by my visit. Its a rather strange feeling coming up here and not being with my family or having some wierd friends of the family staying in the guest room.

Basically, I am trying to relate that I am both in & out of my element at the same time. Somehow I can't entirely describe how I feel here; a mixture of anxiety, stress, calm, happiness, fear and desperation. Maybe I will journal about it when I get back to my place in the city.

So let me propose another topic. Only moments ago, when I was trying to put together the content for this blog in my mind, I stopped myself at a question. Well, several questions. Is this interesting? Are people going to think I am boring if they read this? Why does it matter anyway - this blog is mine, right?

I must consider the severity of my questions.

People reading this might be interested in knowing that I am terribly afraid of being dull. Every day I ask myself, "Am I an interesting person to know?" I quickly answer yes so that I couldn't say no. With striking authority I want to tell you that, indeed, I am an interesting person. Yet, I am not the one who judges this trait. Being interesting is a judgement placed on me by everyone else.

As if I were sitting with my psychiatrist, I want to question the origin of this fear. Well, where did this come from? The first answer that pops into my head is "mother." My maternal unit has taught me many things - most positive, some negative. Appreciating interesting people was one of them. No matter what kind of cracked out, pompous, alien people my mother chose as company, they always had something different to contribute. Looking back on all the wierd humans I was exposed to, my heart can only echo a sense of gratitude. Yes, some of them were terribly offensive and conceited but they all taught me a small lesson. Especially the really great people I met.

In addition to what my mother contributed, I want to point out elements of my brother, family name, classmates and friends that also contribute to this fear but, alas, I would have to write a novel. Let me finish by saying that I don't know what to do about this. Many people see traits in their parents or mentors that they cling to with stubborn desperation for their entire lives. I can't figure out if this is a negative thing, or a positive one. Am I trying to reach an admirable goal with a lot of anxiety? Or am I concentrating too much on external issues that I have no control over. I would love to hear your comments :)

Sleeping Till 3

2006-03-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up a lot earlier but I went back to bed anyway. Lying there I thought that maybe I should meditate instead of going to sleep again. Obviously I chose to go back to sleep. I ended up getting out of bed at 3:00pm.

The conservative observer would comment on my blatant laziness. My lack of motivation. Instead of harping myself on the time "wasted" I would like to focus on a different aspect. My conscious choice.

What irks me is the fact that instead of asking myself, "what do you want to do right now?" I chose to ignore my inner self. When presented with a question of time I chose the inactive road. This is not the direction I want to follow.

Choice is the most powerful tool we have. When you make a decision to further your spiritual growth, you live. When you make a choice to be indifferent or lazy, you slowly die.

Once again I pronounce a call to action. Have the courage to change the things you can :)

Its a nice day :)

2006-03-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I was just looking at my dashboard and I thought I would give the world an update. I am almost done moving into my new place. I still have to get some bedside tables and some dishes but thats about it. Sometime in the next few days I have to clean and prepare my old house to give back to my leasor. Kindof feeling like this shit never ends. At first, I could take it. People were telling me how muching moving sucks but I couldn't help but feel differently. Nah, it didn't when I first started moving my stuff. Now that I am trailing the final steps behind me, it is impending and very annoying. For all the major moving I have done, I have just as much to do in cleaning and picking up random items...

The guy who lives right next to me in this building knocked on my door the other day. He asked me if I could turn down the music, please. "Maybe its just the bass." Yea no shit its the bass. I like my music at a good volume. Not ear shattering but definately so I can feel the bass. It just so happens that these walls aren't too thick. Boo.

So this situation is going to be a constant source of anxiety. I can consistently picture people that act without regard to others. People that are inconsiderate and somewhat selfish. I cant? be one of those people. Somehow I have to worry about it all the time. Whenever I am bordering on annoyance, my mind constantly picks on it. I can't really be indifferent. I can try - but its always there.

I told one of my friends that this morning I would have a good idea of what I was going to do for the next few months I have to myself. Maybe have a better idea of my I felt after I got out of bed. No. Not really. What I can say is that I am comfortable. Some more reflection can't hurt. Okay I am going to get back to real life. Stay in touch.

One foot out the door.

2006-03-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

One of my bosses asked me if I could get something done by early next week. I told her that I didn't think I would be in next week :)

Hee Hee Hee!

I am really psyched to get some time to myself. A little dedicated me time. Not that I am 80 years old and speaking from experience but personal time is something you have to schedule in this life. Otherwise you will entwine yourself between family, work, health and fun. Of course none of those things are as real when you can't be yourself.

As I leave this cold house, I am expecting to create a new one. My apartment will become my place. No longer shared with people that live different lives, my apartment should give me a sense of calm that I have not experienced ever. I might suggest that one year in high school I had a single room but it wasn't really mine. We couldn't lock the door when inside.

Now I could lock the door and never open it. Ughh I am getting depressed trying to write hermit ramblings. The prospect scares me. What is to stop me from shutting everyone out? I already shut people out very well. I am unaware of the severity of my situation.

Not to mention why solitude and boredom scares me the most. Chemicals. You don't have to have a PhD to know that boredom is the worst thing for substance abuse. While I may be leading a sober lifestyle, that could change in an instant. Cunning Baffling Powerful.

I am worried and scared. This great transition with all its potential has some deadly pitfalls. So complicated yet so simple.

Resolve

2006-03-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

So this guy called me back and he wants to be my landlord for the next year. Hell to the yea! Nice work God. When I said in previous posts that I was in transition, what I meant was I am in limbo. Transition means you know what point B is. Only now can I confidently say that I am indeed in transition. I know where I am going.

Well I am not going to be remarkably annoying and answer the question "does a caterpillar know what its doing in that cocoon?" Yes, okay, I know that the caterpillar doesn't know what point B is but it is still transitioning. Whatever. I don't care much for caterpillars anyway.

The point remains that I don't feel like im in limbo anymore. I am going somewhere. Not to mention I am "worthy" of renting this nice place. Oh yea and its one more thing that I have done for myself, on my own, with my own initiative and energy. Might not seem like a feat for some... or most. But I am just starting out on my path. Only now am I really beginning to take the reigns. And you know what, I am proud of myself for getting shit done.

It is far easier to do nothing than something.

Now I will face an issue that I have had my whole life. Lonliness. For those people that read my blog, you may know that this has been a terrible affliction. Nobody likes it and a human being can only take so much of it. I am not starting another conversation but simply preparing my readers and myself for what lies ahead. Living alone.

Wierdness

2006-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

I can't quite describe the feelings I am having right now. Actually I can, I just wish that I couldn't because it would be easier for me. We all know those times when we would like to run away instead of holding fast. This is a minute example.

I am nervous. My living situation is in the process of completion and I am unsure as to how it will turn out. Many times I have sat and told myself that there is nothing I can do so why worry? Not this time. I am scared that my prospective landlord will not give me the lease. The reasons for this concern are two things. 1 - nobody wants to rent to a college student if they don't have to. 2 - for the next year or so my criminal record is not exactly clean.

The real issues here are that I may not have a place to live in two weeks. I mean it is a possibility. Granted I have plenty of friends that would be willing to help me out in the meantime but it is just a really annoying prospect. The other issue is, why is this time different? I am not used to worrying about things that are out of my control. So often people have told me that I am calm in the face of extraneous situations. Today is not one of those moments.

Like really, I can feel my stomach in an awkward postition. Its very wierd.

Now I want to ask "why?" But is this question ever a really productive one. In recent history I have felt much better avoiding that question because it cannot be successfully answered in most instances. "Why" often leads to overthinking and confusion. Yet - right now I think that Why is an important thing to ask. Lets go into it for a second.

Why then am I wound up over this? Because if it doesn't turn out like it should, or like I want it to, then I am fucked in some respects. This is not true... I said earlier that my friends would be able to help me out and I meant that. So no, I will not be fucked. Another factor I give weight to is my newfound caring of myself. So many times previously I can say that it didn't matter what happened because that was just the way it went. If I got hit by a truck, that was just the way it was intended to go down; not my problem. Now, I can't say that I am as indifferent. I have put a lot of new energy and effort into my wellbeing that the prospect of a difficult situation makes me uneasy. Its not the shear difficulty of the situation, its the unnecessary difficulty that is presented that really makes my stomach go bananas. I can handle difficulty. Hell, just the other day I decided that I wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail within the next few years. Oh yea, you should meet my family speaking of difficulty. wOw.

Anyway, I am going to sit at my desk and take some deep breaths. My tea will be sipped and I will try and feel my way out of this. When this guy calls me back and lets me know about my apartment, I will let you know. Peace.

I've Got a New Change in Gear

2006-03-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

"I've got a new change in gear
I swear, I can see clear now the clouds dissappear"

Probably one of my favorite albums. Definately in my top10 and maybe in my top five. Wyclef's The Carnival.

So I have found a new place to rest my feet. An apartment in a great neighborhood. There is an amazing sushi place just down the block and a really hip indie coffee house across the street. As a lover of both raw fish and caffeine, I think I am pretty set :)

One issue that has been nagging me about this move is money. Granted, this is a much larger issue/trend that I worry about. Money happens to be something I have. I am very fortunate to have smart parents that also happen to be somewhat generous. What a combination, huh? Mmmmm, green tea. My first sip was really amazing. It shot through my body like the first time you step into a hot shower.

Just thinking about my ramblings, some people would get really annoyed listening to me bitch and moan about money. I mean listen its not some huge weight on my shoulders. Maybe I like telling the world. Maybe it is a physical representation of a mental battle in my mind. OK that last one you probably read over and didn't understand it so you decided to continue reading anyway.

But no, I think its a very important theme to realize in my life. While socially I am withdrawn from the chique and wealthy, my lifestyle doesn't really say that. I am going to be living in a very nice apartment in a great neighborhood. Good for me. But really, I have been subjected to this interaction with people that are supposed to be so influential and important when most of them seem terribly plastic. They all put on a face for the rest of us. It fucking sucked going to those cocktail parties and being my mothers little lapdog. Please, meet my son, hes charming.

Get fucked.

I am trying these days to separate myself from that kind of interaction. Geographically, socially, mentally, educationally... the list goes on. The one way that I continue to revert back to my family's lifestyle is by money. I will be the first person to say that my statement sounds really fucked up. It doesn't resonate too well in my head but as you should know by now, I can't escape the truth and I don't want to. At least I am being honest and open about my life.

So back to now. It feels really good getting a move on. I quit my job about a week ago and I have to move into a new place pretty soon. My social life is changing slowly for the better. I am trying to get more involved in my college campus. The spring is arriving. I am trying to be more real. When I am sad I am sad. When I am depressed I am depressed. When I am exstatic I am exstatic.

And right now I am happy. Things are going well for yours truely. But I have to ask, how are you?

4th Dimension

2006-03-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

I feel the urge to complain. I am trying to stop myself. There is so much in the world to grieve about that its just not worth it. You would waste a lifetime describing how unfair the day is. And who knows, maybe someone would listen. I don't want that to be me - there are too many things to celebrate.

In some fashion my life is better off unsolved. For anyone that reads my truths, I often try and fix things. The answers I seek are often concrete changes or actions that remain tangible in explanation. More often than not, I look for rational solutions.

Lets think about that for a second. I know that life has many more dimensions than 3. Why should my answers be restricted to 3?

What I am trying to say is that I need to live outside the box. Notice I didn't say think... I need to think less and listen more. Turn off your brain and listen to that voice. You know which one I am talking about. Its not always present or "rational" or tangible like most solutions. You have to pay attention and look quietly.

Once again, here we go. I am really going to embrace this. Not another entry I push off and say, "hey that was a nice thought." No. This is for reals :)

Transition Now

2006-03-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

Looking at my living room I see what used to be a colorful space for entertainment, dinners and long nights. The walls are mostly bare now, no longer filling my mind with color and flow.

One thing I have learned in web design is that large amounts of solid color are very offsetting to look at. Any amount of texture or shading pleases the eye in ways I don't fully understand.

A lamp is sitting in the corner illuminating without a care for the bigger picture. I don't think it understands what is going on. Change. Yea, yea - the only constant is change. I heard it a million times. Like my friend in the corner, I don't entirely grasp what is happening. Is it really that important that my roommate is leaving? What will become of this house? Will our relationship get better or worse? Where am I going to live at the end of this month?

All I can do is ask the questions and hope for some long term understanding. I am at a loss for words.

The people that are going to read this post will not care that my life is going through some change. These issues I am facing will not make or break my existence. Wait. What the hell am I talking about? Yes - they will! The people that I live with and my immediate surroundings have a greater effect on my mental state than anything else. I only hope that this change is for the better; that I find myself in a more serene place than I have been in. Wish me luck.

WIerd night...

2006-03-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

OK so I met this girl at a restaurant... she was our waitress. I left a card in the bill fold saying "you should give me a call sometime..." Just yesterday she rang me up and said she was free after 9. We agreed that she would come to my house after 9 and we would go to a movie around 10:30.

She came over to my house last night and we hung out. After my roommate left we were able to talk a little bit. I found out two interesting things. One, this girl has a two year old son and she is 22 years old. Two, she is friends with a girl that was stalked by my roommate last year. Wow.

I can deal with the two year old son thing. Thats your own deal. I can't say it was a huge turn-on but hey, thats just the way it went. As for my roommate stalking people, that really cracked me up. I mean what the fuck! I had no idea that he was that obsessive. Kindof scares me a little. Still, thats his own deal as well.

It turns out that we missed the movie cause I wasn't paying attention to the clock and we decided to go downtown to a bar. Some of her friends were there and they got us through the line. Holy shit this place was crowded. I mean considering the shitty techno remixes of "Gold Digger" and "My Humps" there were a shitload of people there. I had to squeeze my ass all the way to the back of the bar where her friends were hanging out. Man was this awkward. It reminded me of all the reasons I don't go out clubbing. I don't drink. I am a pretty anxious person in crowded situations. Pop music makes me sick. When I dance I am not being myself - I am pretending to enjoy this shit that is being played. The act of dancing is something you feel - not something you have to conjur.

I stayed at this bar for some two and a half hours. I was just about to write how I feel like a loser for not being able to handle the scene downtown. Not so. I can handle it, I just don't like it. Last night I did not drink, I did not compromise myself in any way other than dancing to music that hurt my ears.

As I just recently injured myself (my knee), I chose to sit out for a little and chat with some of the people on the couch. Not long after I sat down, this girl that took me to the bar started dancing with a guy and making out on the dance floor. Turned me off. Regardless of whether or not she knew him before (apparently they went to highschool), the way she was conducting herself really rubbed me the wrong way.

At the end of the night, she was too drunk to drive home. We spent about a half hour trying to figure out what to do... I ended up taking her home and then driving her car back to my place. The guy she was fondling on the dance floor met up with her at her place after we left. Im so glad I knew that...

So, feeling sick in my bed this morning I get a phone call. She is outside to pick up her car. I go and give her the keys and tell her that, "sure, I will give you a call sometime." Right. I still feel sick and congested. At least its the weekend and I don't have shit to do. I hope I feel better for work on Monday.

I'm gonna go over to my buddies house and see what hes up to. Lates.

Almost the weekend.

2006-03-03T16:45:00.001-07:00

Its about fourteen minutes until I am freed from my vocational hell.

Well thats a little mean. Its not quite hell. In fact, I enjoy some of the people I work with. I get to design stuff sometimes. Computers are my friend so I don't mind sitting in front of them all day. There are some pretty good places to eat for lunch.

Fuck. I think my coworker just got a list of shipments that I have to engage. Its gonna take me a long ass time because I have to print out all of these labels and weigh everything. The weekend just got a little more distant.

At least I have my blog to vent about it, right? Well I wanted to talk about my boss. Not the two under-bosses that I have but my main moss. He called me a "fucking spoiled brat" yesterday after I told him that I was giving him my thirty day leave notice. Yea that really didn't make me feel good. I mean, he is not one to be calling people spoiled, but it still had an effect. This is when I start walking the line between hate/blame and acceptance of the criticizm.

As you know, I am honest. I am not the model employee he might like me to be. But I am not a "trainwreck" or very difficult to manage. He needs to go and fornicate himself with a telephone pole. Cocksucker.

I figure the most annoying thing I can do to him is to continue my thirty days with a smile and continue the hard work I have been putting in.

Whatever. He is not an important factor in my life. Yet! It is still important to realize that things happen for a reason and his reaction plays a role in my personal growth. While he should have shut his fucking face, I still learned something from that incident. And I will use it to further my development as a spiritual being :)

Thats What I Am Talking About...

2006-02-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Once again, the internet shows a person some intimacy.

Just as I had hoped, someone has posted a response to my inner thoughts :) In mere minutes, a reader gave me some feedback on the emotional turmoil of my life. Thanks Aleida. You have inspired me to write about something that has been troubling me lately. This honesty is for you.

Both of my roommates have decided to move out. It would be convenient to say that I am being my usual overanalytical self and making a bigger deal about this than I should. The truth is that I am really fucking annoyed and hurt by what has happened.

Somehow, through the months, I have established myself as the patron of this rental house. Even though the other tenants pay an equal amount, my word rules. I am the person to deal with the landlord and I am the one who manages the bills. I clean the most and I call "team meetings" when needed. Don't ask me why because its almost always a stupid question. I don't know why I do it... maybe it has something to do with my controlling mother. Maybe I am anal about cleanliness. Maybe I think they are lazy bitches that can't keep their shit together. Maybe I take pride in living in a nice house.

Whatever the reasons behind my head-of-household status, I have acted on it. It is true, I have one rule in this house that cannot be broken. This is "no drugs or alcohol". You can call me stupid for trying to make people's lives adjust to my needs but both of my friends agreed to follow this rule as long as they lived with me.

It never really happened. One of them was selling pot out of his room and I had to ask him to find somewhere else to live. The other one was moderately sketchy and kept alcohol in his room. I can handle the exposure OK. I can't say that I am not tempted to use but I can generally handle being around chemicals. The thing that really bothers me is the lack of respect I am shown in my own house. These 'friends' of mine have proven to me that they can't respect what I am trying to accomplish in sobriety. They have also shown me that they are irresponsible. inconsoderate and untrustworthy to some degree. Their word means nothing to me now.

I am pretty much over this. Now I know that I need to live alone or with someone that doesn't have a lifestyle that revolves around using. So many people have lives that are greatly influenced by chemicals and activities that promote them. Granted, I am driving at something that is ingrained in our society. Anyway, the reason I am writing about this annoying conflict is that they are both leaving my house. One of them I asked to leave and the other is simply moving out early, leaving me to pay for all the rent.

Am I just that different or crazy that people need to reject me? That question is a little harsh but its how I feel. This man is being shunned and ostracized for being himself.

I am not the perfect roommate but I am a good one. People don't want to live with me because I am trying to help myself with a sober lifestyle. I want so badly for some understanding and respect. I can't seem to find it just yet.

This is part of the reason I feel lonely. My brother doesn't respect what I am trying to do. My friends don't respect it. It fucking hurts. The worst part is that they say it, over and over again - "No, I really respect what you are trying to accomplish." The next moment they are asking me if they can bring chemicals into my living space. I am angry.

Even though they are not the best friends, they are still leaving me. It feels like rejection. I need to show some strength, be emotional, and let it roll. Thanks to everyone that has supported me and I am trying my best.

Thank You!

2006-02-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hello my devoted readers :) For those of you still reading my page, or maybe just stumbling on it by chance, I would like to thank you.

This may seem really out of the blue but I could not express myself without you. Somehow knowing that someone will be reading these words makes my life that much better. I may not know you. You may be a member of my family. Whoever you are, thanks for reading.

Everytime I sign on and begin to write, I know that my ramblings and inners musings will find their way into someone else's life. I don't know when or with whom I am sharing my thoughts but the simple fact that you are reading says it all. Someone is out there.

Most of the time I will check back on previous posts to see who has left any comments. I have only recieved one so far. Somehow I want you to prove your existence. Tell me that you are really there. Maybe that is a bad idea. Maybe if I knew certain people were reading, I wouldn't display the amount of truth I strive for. Who knows. Finding a comment on one of my entries would be a random flattery. Probably something I don't need more of.

Anyway, my writing seems to be quick and flowing today. This is going to be a long entry.

Someone asked me last night if I was lonely. I said yes on the phone but now that I feel it out a little more, I don't think I am. Sure I am physically distant from a lot of people that I love but I have faith that I will see them all again soon. Its not like I am stranded on some island in the middle of the Pacific... What I really want to say is that somehow I am not as lonely with myself today. Learning to really love myself has done wonders for me. The emotional leech I once was is no longer so prevalent. Those moments where I desperately needed someone are much fewer and far between.

Its kindof like, teach a man to fish sortof thing.

I have started to think of the future more... where do I want to be in a year? I am going to think about that for a while and get back to you.

Again, thanks to all who read my words. You mean the world to me even if you don't exist :) I will write again soon, I promise.

Reality is Crazy

2006-02-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

In the past year I have begun to think of myself as the crazy one. The overly emotional being that has to analyze every breath and every word. Today, I have found that this is not the case. The saying that "there will always be somebody more --" is ringing true.

I can't really dissect the actions and emotions of another because I just don't know. I don't live inside her head and I can' figure it out from here. I could try and fail but I am going to save myself the effort and simply call the situation "whacked."

Simply, one of my friends is in great emotional distress. She does not, possibly cannot, see herself as a whole, valuable and desireable person. While none of these self-affirming characteristics are easy to generate, I can say that I have them. Immediately I want to suggest that my parents gave them to me. This is the whole problem - her parents did not provide the same for her.

My friend is in a state of unrest that I cannot aleviate. Well in the physical world maybe I could but emotionally I am incapable of her demands. She needs someone to sit down and forgive her and hold her for a couple months. Maybe even a year or two. This is really frustrating the hell out of me because I don't know what to do.

I only want to do what is best for her emotional health and I'm not sure what that is. Talking to her is probably going to make me more confused and it probably won't do a great deal for her...

My Own Medicine

2006-02-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

So now I know how it feels to be told "your character keeps me from a close friendship."

Its not quite an 'ouch' feeling like I had expected but more of a 'live and let live'. Something that is relatively new to my persona is comfort with myself and my decisions. Emotions and reactions are something I trust these days instead of doubt. It feels good to say that.

On the other hand, it feels pretty bad to lose a constant in my life. I'm sure it doesn't feel great for her either. Trust me when I say 'I know how it feels' because I have been there twice in recent past. Its a fucking trip to be in the opposite pair of shoes this time.

All I can say is that I wish her the best and I know this decision has been a difficult one. While she may be overanalyzing events more than she should, I am not going to tell her how to feel. She has been battling with this for a while and now she knows what she has to do.

I applaud her for beginning to think of herself and what she needs as an emotional person. Long ago I accepted that I am not perfect - but I am happy with myself and our paths apparently need to diverge.

Thursday

2006-02-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am getting very uncreative in the labeling of my posts...

So many things to vent about. Luckily I was able to work on that with my psychiatrist yesterday so the issues aren't AS pressing as they could be. But here goes anyway.

My roommate is being a dickhead. Instead of keeping our house sober and respecting my decision to abstain from chemicals, he chooses to deal drugs in front of my face. In the place that I live and spend the most time. This situation is wrong on many levels. He is dealing pot, which happens to be an old favorite of mine. Sketchy friends of his are coming by the house all the time. Our trust is nonexistent. I like him but I don't respect him. The secrecy around the house is getting on my nerves a shitload. The balance between our friendship and lifestyles is out of whack.

I have been getting up every day this week and exercising on my stationary bike. I told my friend that she should be proud and she was. Until I told her it was 5 feet away from my bed in my room... apparently that takes no effort whatsoever. So yea, 40 mins on the bike, shower, breakfast, take my vitamins, get to work on time. I like this system so far; my metabolism is cranking - I get hungry around 11 instead of 1 or 2...

Snarl. I need to write in here more. Tell you what, I will type some when I get back to my house after work, k? Back to the grind for now...

Saturday Breakfast

2006-01-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Blueberry Oatmeal Pancakes

1 1/2 cups rolled oats
2 cups buttermilk
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs, beaten
blueberries

At Home

2006-01-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

I look at the title of this post and I wonder - Am I really? Sure I pay money to live in this place and I have decorated this house with many objects that I have accumulated in my life... yet, I have to ask whether I really feel at home here.

I want to say yes. Here I feel more comfortable than anywhere else. I can let go and remain untouched in this domain. Whether this comfort is a good thing or not is a different question. I happen to feel that my safety zone never really moves me in any truely positive direction. While I am comfortable and unchallenged, I don't spend the effort to challenge myself. Everything becomes a question about comfort and ease.

Anyway, my point is that I am living in my own space. Tailored and fitted to my own needs.

But wait, I really enjoy this question. I almost asked "why?" Why did inpatient change me more than almost any other experience? Why do I yearn to find that same state of uncertainty and questioning at my home, right now? Ok, I just did ask why - now I can't really answer it. The whole reason I don't like asking "why" in the first place.

It is time to make myself a little uncomfortable. In this, I will find peace. Here goes :)

[postscript: I haven't been writing in this medium regularly for some time. I am not going to trash my journal in any way but I will certainly be writing here more. Such dialogue ^^ does not come to my head everyday and I am glad to have thought these musings...]

Its a new year...

2006-01-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yea yea, time has come and gone. Water has passed under my bridge. Things are different now.

Well, for one thing, I had a skiing accident and I am unable to walk normally. I need gimp sticks to hobble around and get on with my daily life. I need to do dishes with crutches. I need to put them under my arms when I get out of the shower. I need to put them in the back of my car before I drive anywhere. Thank God I can drive.

Speaking of God, I want to ask "Where the hell has he gone?"

Well I know that I haven't been looking for him or letting him in. I have not been acknowledging my higher powers. No I am not a christian but I do believe there are things more powerful than myself out there. I need to spend the time to recognise them.

So my injury is my latest drama. It is the thing that consumes my thought and my life. No longer am I continually pondering about specific women in my life that I thought accounted for something greater. Ahem.

She called me two days ago. It took me a few seconds on the phone before I realized who I was talking to. I didn't know what to say. She thought I was being annoyed or angry but I wasn't. I just didn't know how to respond.

"Have you intentionally not called me the past month?"
"Yea, kindof..."

This leaves me in a strange place. I still feel a desire for something higher, more relevant. Its not coming. I am not expecting anything in the short term. I hope that I can feel differently in the future and resume something less "intense". No I don't. Thats a lie.

I don't even know what to say or do anymore. I am trying not to pressure or expect and what does that leave me with? I don't know.

I hope I figure it out soon.

I am fucking hungry and am gonna go get a sandwich. Italian. With banana peppers. Time to go and hobble. And yes, I am trying to get some sympathy.

Monday @ The Office

2005-12-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am in a weird transitional period. The time is weird because I can't really relate to it. Yet I know these events and progressions to be naturally beneficial.

I am realizing many things every day that I can only grasp with time. What I cannot claim is that I know what it is like to be consistent in almost any way. Aside from laziness... but that is just an infinite loop.

As we all know, my loop is the most infinite of them all. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

People will never fully satisfy me. My relationship binge is winding down. As Devin tells me, I have found so many pieces to the puzzle of the great problem but I don't have a way to put them together. Well I am trying.

Strewn beside me lay the remnants of a broken attitude. My time for change is now. Even as you read this, my character is forming.

For the sake of being real, I will spare you my desire to spew spiritual jargon and continue with the here and now. What is important now? Where are we? How much pragmatism is needed? I am trying to lay back a little. The loop is doing his part and watching the results.

Sorry to be so elusive and general in my statements. The truth of my life is a very general progress. Not so specific as some might like. Work, play, chores, friends, health - I am trying to make simple strides in all of them. My behavior might not be changing as much as I would like but I am in a far better place than a year previous. It was not so long ago that the same statement was filled in with "6 months".

I wonder if she has read the previous entry yet? I can't help but wonder what is going on in her life and her mind. At the same time, I am letting go. It is not my business anymore and I can only accept what is offered to me :) I can say that truely I am a happier person for releasing that deadweight. What scares me is the prospect of future communication. I don't know how to deal with her.

Things fall apart. Thats life. I am content.

Its been too long...

2005-12-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

Here I am at the office deciding that I need to write. It is time for change again. Just as I thought things were getting more comfortable in my life.

Words from my shrink are not pleasing yet remain in resonance in my mind. He spoke from the perspective of a third party. A person that is not emotionally involved in all of my passings. What he told me was that I was letting a female determine my mood and my attitude. He's right. Because of her I am mad right now. My mind is distracted from the things I should be doing as I ponder our situation.

We just got off the phone. She talked for a long time about daily events in her life. She talked about her sisters and their dramas of the week. She told me how drunk she got last night. She mentioned the people she had brought home over the past few months.

I became angry. Why do I even talk to her anymore? That is the burning question.

It was difficult for me not to get upset on the phone. Apparently those people that do not act on their emotions are the strongest. Something like that.

In a way, I am writing this because I know that at some point, she will read it. That is my only hope of explaining a truth that she is sick of hearing and thinking about. While I don't ever want to admit it, our relationship has reached a barricade. We ran with it until we hit a wall. And yes, we hit the wall.

I want to blame you. I want to say that your holding back has caused this rift. And to some degree, thats right. You know there are things you should tell me because they are the truth. These unspoken feelings affect us both. I don't need to tell you that. When I say that you are lying to yourself, the easiest way for me to elaborate is to tell you that I know what is going on in your head.

I am human just like you.

We are too much alike for me not to understand everything that you are going through. Does that mean that I actually know everything? No. You won't say it. What it means though, is that I have thought about all of it already. And more.

Whatever is keeping you from opening up has already passed between my ears. It is insulting that you continue to act like we don't understand each other better than anyone else we know. Remember that.

For now, all I can do is distance myself. After getting off the phone with you I know that I can't go on seeking you. The times are different and I am changing. My ship is leaving and I am not going to wait for you to get packed. You don't need all that baggage anyway. I wish you could let go. I hate saying goodbye when you should be traveling with me. This is just the way it is. I accept that.

I look forward to the days when you want to talk to me but I am not going to have wishful thoughts of you any longer. It is too painful and tormenting for me to continue this shallow relationship you put in front of me. Goodbye and good luck. I will always love you.

Consistency

2005-11-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

I got up when I decided to this morning. This doesn't mean that my clock went off or that I had a predefined time to wake. For the past week or so I have been turning my clock off before it rings. I have the terrible ability of waking up just before my alarm.

Stupid internal clock.

Getting out of bed is just one of the ways in which I am trying to add structure to my life. A few months ago, someone showed me an example of time management. She took a jar and placed several large rocks inside of it. These rocks were meant to represent those things in your life or during your day that you give top priority to. Eating, sleeping, working etc. After the rocks, she added sand. The sand represented the things that you choose to do as secondary priorities during the day. All of the sand came very close to filling the jar entirely - there was still more space.

Anyway, there were two things I took from this demonstration. If you try to make your secondary priorities the most important ones, all of your schedule does not fit in the jar. I tried to add the sand before the rocks and not all of my rocks would fit in the jar.

The second thing I learned was that there is always more space. People always tell me there arent enough hours in the day. Bullshit. There is enough time, its just about how you use it.

So where the hell am I going with all of this? One of my major objectives in living a sober life is to have consistency. Waking up at a certain time, eating meals consistently, going to the gym, getting to work on time, spending time to write in my journal, spending time with friends and making time for cooking a meal are all ways in which I try to find consistency in my life. The truth is that I am too used to living a life where things were sporadic and crazy. Often times I will try and recreate that atmosphere by doing stupid shit. At least I will think about doing idiotic things to make my life more hectic.

For the next week, I am going to get up at 7:30 every morning. Consider this a chance to prove myself and my dedication.

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

2005-11-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

I like to complain in my head about how people don't reciprocate my requests for honesty and emotion. I can pinpoint a moment every day when I ask myself "Why can't this person just spill their guts?" It is frustrating because I don't get what I want and other people get frustrated because they don't know how to do what I am asking.

Yesterday was different. Two people opened up to me in ways that I only fantacize about. Both instances were raw and intense, the likes of which I can barely grasp in my own life. I was intimidated and very taken aback by these conversations.

Today I feel different. I feel a part of something greater. Something that connects the people in our lives with truth. As you can see, I find it very difficult to use the word God. I'm not going to digress and ramble about the core beliefs in my spiritual life but its fair to say that the people who shared their pain with me have really made an impact.

I have been shown a serious precedent in my quest for honesty. In the future I can only hope that I can be so forthright in my conversations. Hell, I wish I had such emotion to display. How frigid am I for not crying?

It is increasingly obvious that I have plenty of work to do with myself.

Hungry

2005-11-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

The kitchen is a pit. Someone needs to vacuum everything. People should stop messing with my CDs. Now I have to take this girl out to dinner because nothing is clean. Someone needs to go shopping. I am owed 700 dollars. My shrink didn't finish my book so he has to keep it another week so he can finish. My pants are too tight. Im hungry.

Waaaaaaaaa.

Each day I face a constant reality. People will never be on the same level as myself. The things that I want/need are frequently in disallignment with the wants and needs of others. I just wrote that the path I am walking is no different from everyone else but I have to say, that doesn't mean people cant be in disagreement.

I am not done with being arrogant. Obviously. I find solice in the fact that I am somehow more enlightened than the person next to me or on the phone. What the fuck is that all about. Why am I so hung up on the fact that just because I am not withholding, other humans can do it freely.

I can't help but feel that life is being wasted to a large degree when people don't communicate inner truths. This expanse of time and space we call "life" is not a long ways down the road or yesterday. It is now. Right here - this moment. And when I feel impatient or resentful that is because of not getting what I want.

I want to explore. I want to be intimate. I want to feel more and more and more. Good or bad, whatever comes to me. I want to share. I want to go where I have never been. I want to challenge. I want to create. I want to ride.

Today I am practicing patience. Maybe a little selflessness too...

Lovers Touch

2005-11-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

I like the power of communication through touch...

Touch

Heaven and Hell

2005-10-27T21:41:00.000-06:00

Sun goes up, sun goes down. Another day passing in my short life.

I am tempted to make this into an entry like those in my journal. But that is not what this publication is for. I want to talk about the dinner I made and how lonely I feel right now. I want to discuss the difficulties of living a sober life and not being able to party. I want to examine my daily events for the purpose of making myself feel better, somehow relieved and more aware.

Today has proven to be a challenge of sorts. A test of my ability to maintain relationships. My desire to remain a self-contained entity is in a struggle with my need to be sociable. This is not something unique to myself. Not even to my age group. Everyone experiences solitude in their life. Yet somehow I like to think of mine as greater. I still approach interaction with others like my problems are of higher priority.

It is only when you think of others and their problems as a greater concern that one can feel free. I am not there.

Anxiety was not that much of an issue for me today. Normally I find it to be a heavy burden on my conscience. The looping thoughts don't end with a realization of their existence. Thinking too much sucks the big one. My clothing, my car, my attitude, my friends, my acne, my smell, my teeth and my coughs all cause my inner angst. I feel shallow. I feel weak. I feel petty.

It won't help me to be so critical of things that I cannot change overnight. All that I can do is get more comfortable with myself. Life needs living, not worrying. Onward and upward.

Morning

2005-10-26T10:00:00.000-06:00

My phone just vibrated and I received a message from my school telling me about some job opportunity and a chance to help the victims of hurricane Katrina. Sweet. I don't mind being solicited for my time but the message made my think of something else. Should I say someone else.

Whenever my phone vibrates, a red light turns on to tell me that I have a new message. I look at the blinking indicator and hope that the message is from my friend Jenny. From a distance of half the country, Jenny is one of the lights in my life that illuminates my path and furthers my spiritual growth. She is a 26 year old working an events coordinating job on the east coast.

When I checked my messages I couldn't help but be slightly disappointed by the annoying solicitation I received from my University. Last night I tried calling Jenny and she didn't answer so I sent her a message telling her that she made me smile. It was true, I ran a smile across my face when I thought of her.

Our dynamic is something I am constantly questioning. What is she hiding? Am I calling her too often? Does she need more space? What is appropriate to talk about? Is she being deceptive or withholding? Do I need to know the truth? What is her truth or my truth or our truth or a universal truth? Am I setting myself up for a painful fall? Is it wrong of me to invest myself so much in this relationship? Will she reciprocate? Does it matter? When will I see her again?

Does my thinking get me anywhere? Yea probably - but nowhere that leads to growth. All of these things I worry about are desires to understand the reality of a situation that is not simple. Trying to put my relationship in a box is not healthy. For it is a metamorphosis. I am only trying to understand something that is new and important to me. My inquiry into the nature of our relationship is natural. But is it healthy for my mental state? Probably not.

What I cannot do is let things flow without judgment or second guessing. Every time she doesn't pick up her phone I am wondering who she is with or why she can't answer right now. Most of the time I think of things that are not positive. Yet, do I really know what she is doing at the moment? No, I don't. All that I have to know is that she is not addicted to heroin and is not particularly self destructive so there can't be incredibly awful things that she is doing when she doesn't answer the phone. The reality of our connection is not my interpretation. It is an entity that is unclassified and constantly changing.

What I am looking for these days is a glimpse of serenity. A little peace to go with my life. Some contentment in myself and my activities. Less judgment and resentment towards others.

These hurdles have been in front of me for some time now.

First Impressions

2005-10-25T21:36:00.000-06:00

Its that time of year when I get very introspective. People equate it with depression, winter, holidays and anything else that serves as an excuse for getting inside your head.

This is exactly what I am going to use this publication for. All of those things that go through my mind that I can't bear to tell anyone else. The sadness, the anxiety, the depression, the fighting, the resentments, the anger and the discontentment I experience in every day life.

I have gotten to a point in my life at the age of 20 that I can be honest with myself in ways I never thought possible. While I have a journal for those thoughts of complex emotional distraught, this blog is something I need to really get down to the things that bother me.

I'm not seeking popularity through my emotional turmoil. Or maybe I am. Maybe I want people to see that there are others out there suffering from the same mental hang-ups inherent to humanity. Those things that you never want to tell another human being - the thoughts you think you will take to the grave - are exactly what I am after. Bear with me while I try to uncover the bold reality and truth in my existence on Earth.

I hope that whoever reads this, even if it is only myself, can take away something of use in their search for spiritual and emotional ameleoration. If I am not relating the full truth it is because I am not ready to accept it. For I am weak in the mind like the rest of us. This is going to be my shot at an honesty that reaches deeper than any I have ever known.

Here goes.