Yo

So once again I return to the world of writing. Every day I think, "What works for me?" I tell myself that writing and meditating help a lot. I still don't do them. It makes me angry. Much more angry than if I were to suck up and do it. Just fucking do it. Doesn't change anything.

Every day I tell myself the same thing. Its going to be different soon. Somehow things will change and I will fix it all.

Doesn't make it happen.

Ha!

[url]http://www.aircockthrust.com[/url]

Long Time

So a little time has passed and I figured I would update the planet on my current events.

Im skipping class this morning. My reasons include not feeling like it, enjoying my morning too much and wanting to eat more cereal.

Something else to note. I am getting a dog. How strange. Not only have I never had a dog, I have never named, housetrained, groomed or cared for one. What? I have to make an appointment with a Vet? huh?

There are many emotions/thoughts surrounding this new venture into parenthood. I should mention everytime I told people I was becoming a father, they took me way too seriously. What the hell. Anyway, for reals, I am going to be a Dad. Kindof. Im scared that I won't do a good job. I am worried about the restraints of doggydom on my social life.

More than anything I am glad to have someone keeping me company in my apartment. Living alone is not the easiest thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I just wish there was someone to keep me company. Soon enough...

What else, what else. Hmm I can't think on much right now. I need to write in my real journal. It only has like 5 pages left in it...

Until next time. 

Hahahahahahahaha

I really hope I will never, ever need one of these...

http://www.viagraring.com/">The Viagra Ring

w0w

This looks fucking hilarious... somewhat immature, erotic and invasive. Probably won't do too well in the states. My guess is that American parents will shut it down or something like that.

Naughty America

Best 4th of July Evar

Watching the World Cup

I feel happy. I feel dedicated. To soccer, to class, to exercise, to family, to myself. I am encouraged.

More recently I feel less idealistic. Not as rigid about truth, addiction, relationships. Makes me feel somewhat guilty. I remember what it was like when I started this blog. It was a different time for me.

I feel lazy sitting here in front of the TV. I just ate some nachos :) I tell myself that after this game ends I am going to the gym. I don't doubt it.

I feel annoyed at my mother. She is ordering me around and trying to set my own schedule. Maybe shes not used to letting that go. Whatever the case, I don't want to have to make a huge point about it. I'm only visiting for a few days...

I feel cautious about my schoolwork. Even though I tried to figure out my lab earlier, I'm not sure when I will do it. I always tell myself to just fucking do it. Quit procrastinating and go balls out. This behavior is something I am working on.

I feel overly pensive... Nothing new.

I feel excited. I feel hungry - in several ways. I feel angry, collected, sad, uplifted, in control, totally powerless, confused, serene and, obviously, contradictory and hypocritical.

Sigh.

Being Nerdy...

LOL... I may be a total nerd but that is the best modification to a computer I have seen in a long, long time.

If you don't get it, you might want to click here.

Faith in Humanity?

Im not sure when practicality has gone too far... should I be sick or applauding?

http://www.everybodycoffins.com/

Raspberries and Cream

Its kindof hard to go wrong with raspberry and cream gelato. One of those things in life. I dunno.

So today was interesting. I had a good talk with my psych. We discussed chemicals and school for the most part. After I brought up the issue of alcohol, I began to empty my head. So many emotions, rationalizations and mistrust. One of the things I have learned in the past year is that chemicals really affect your ability to make decisions. Those little synapses are very powerful subconscious elements.

How often have you heard about someone that wants to quit smoking or drinking but they can't bring themselves to do it. The chemicals basically use their brains against them. This may be a scary way to look at things but I know for myself that drugs have a much greater effect on the way we think than we acknowledge.

So back to the point - I had a really difficult time saying that I was unable to drink responsibly or without addictive behavior. Most of this is that I don't know enough. I am trying to make a decision on little information. The past six weeks have been seen the only alcohol consumption for all last year. God knows I haven't smoked pot in almost two years. Yikes.

I couldn't say that I was an alcoholic or that I would become one. I don't know. What I do know is that drinking is causing me some confusion and annoyance. I also know that it has helped my social life immensely. Snarl. While I can't say that addiction is a good reason to quit drinking, I will say that dropping it will free some mental energy to focus on school. I am also trying to lose some pounds around the waist :) So that can't hurt either.

We also talked about school. I am in my second week of school in a long time. If you don't know, I have taken the year off from college. Now I am starting summer classes in the hope they will ease me back into full swing this fall. I still think its a good idea. So yea - I don't want to make any grand statements about my determination or my dedication to academics so I will save it for another post. Its only been a few days back on the horse.

One last thing... I am going to see my friend Jenny this weekend before she takes on a challenging job that involves a lot of traveling. She will be a very busy girl very soon. We both know we won't get to see a lot of each other but I am really happy she is taking on a project. Good luck, god speed and watch the pills...

So Many Emotions

I find myself at a point where I have so many things pulling in different directions. Most of them concern last night; there are more still from my continuing life struggles.

So what exactly happened? Well the short of it is that I hooked up with an old friend from college. I would imagine that most people would ask, "Why is that so strange? Most people go through very similar events with little thought..."

She just called me on the phone asking if she needed to take Plan B. Hahahaha. In some sense, I wish she did. But alas, I didn't finish. This is part of the night that makes me upset. Am I still able to have sex for fun? Looking at history, I have had a crush on this girl for many years. I'm sure there have been times when I would have jumped on the opportunity to hook up with her, no question. It was one of those hookups that I really wanted to happen in my lifetime. And it did. And it was fine. And I have no regrets.

But.

Are my heart and my biology heading in different directions? This question has been on my mind for a few weeks now. Ever since I had a hookup with another highschool friend. Yeayeayea, I know you are jumping to call me a manwhore but this kind of activity is quite unusual for me. Do you see many sexual posts before this one? Had I been able to get off last night, I probably wouldn't be questioning myself as much. The answer would be an easy "yes." The important thing in my mind about both of these hookups is the following: the girl that I had great sex with is someone that I respected and admire; the girl last night, who I did not have great sex with, is someone that I don't know well enough.

What else do I have to spill... Oh, yes. Another important trend - drinking. As you probably know by now, I am continually reviewing the possibility that I am an addict. Caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, diazepines, amphetamines... I have tried all of them and I have adored them all at one point or another.

The only chemicals I have used in the past year have been caffeine, nicotine and alcohol. None of them have caused me great problems but I have to catch these things in advance. My introspection, as a friend recently put it, will be my saving grace. I cannot deny my guilt from drinking alcohol. Even though I can't exactly pinpoint the reason, something just doesn't sit right. Grrrr. Time and time again I remember telling others that they should follow their little voice. The tiny one that tells them to quit smoking or be nice to their neighbor or get their paper done today. The same one that you rationalize the shit out of and push down, down, down. Right now I need to listen to my own advice and stop.

Immeditately after I wrote the word "stop", I began telling myself how rediculous that would be. This is such a fucking struggle. Again I want to write about the benefits of drinking and the things it has done for my lifestyle... maybe I can moderate? That is the first thing an addict says when they realize they have a problem. God fucking dammit. I am so torn between this ingrained rhetoric behind addiction and the subtle reality that is my experience. Its so damn confusing.

I can't finish this entry and promise my sobriety. What I can promise is my continuing fight for serenity between body, mind and environment. Lets see how it goes. Thanks for reading :)